A conversation that I knew would crop up at some point, and after allowing me a respectful year of mourning the loss of Ray, it did and came from my lovely Ex Sister in Law. We were just sitting and chatting about everything and nothing.
She: Do you think you might like to have another relationship?
Me: No. I am pretty happy with my life as it is. Ray and I were so used to our way of life, I can't imagine ever being in that position again. We led our selfish lives side by side. Well, I suppose I could but it would be quite a different relationship, probably not a live together one. (She had unleashed a speech demon by someone who does not normally talk about such matters so frankly). I am quite set in my ways. Phyllis and Kosov adapt and respect that. I expect any person I may meet of a similar age would also have a very established life. I have a life, much the same as I led with Ray, except he isn't with me anymore.
And beside that ESiL, I am not interested in sex with old men. In one moment of self aggrandisement when I was in my early thirties, perhaps even into my early forties, I thought I would like to have sex with myself, meaning I thought I was pretty good at sex. I still think I was back then. Now, assuredly not. I would not want sex with me.
She: No, I don't want to have sex with old men either (Her husband is my age. Lots of laughing at this).
Me: Phyllis and Kosov are more than enough company and we are creating our history to the point where can now say something like, "Do you remember when...?" That's nice.
Me: As for sex, I can't be bothered with any personal hook ups with anyone. It is just too much bother. Besides, Melbourne is full of attractive young overseas students from all corners of the globe, who are looking to make some money.
Me just writing now: As James/Jasmine used to say, a girl has her needs. They are very professional, don't cost much more than the price of a normal massage, and they appreciate a tip. I sent one $200 during Covid lockdown when he was desperate, still paying his rent by relying on a charity for food. That as guests in our country, and overseas students weren't looked after by our governments, was a disgrace. He later offered to repay the money in kind. He stopped working as a 'masseur' to open a dog grooming business. To be slightly fair to the governments of the time, overseas students were told in the very early days of Covid to go home (losing everything they had worked for and paid for).
So that is a bit of a confession. You will have your own thoughts on the matter and about me, and so be it, but I have no shame. I have great respect for professional sex workers, male or female, and the respect happened many decades ago when I realised how important sex can be in life and listening to off mainstream media about what they had to say about their lives.
The above is partly what I said to ESiL, but then my fingers ran away over the keyboard.
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That sounds as if we are on the same page. If my partner dies before me I have less than no interest in a new relationship. Some things about my life and how I live it will undoubtedly change but I don't think there is room to adjust to living with someone else and the necessary compromises (on both sides) that would entail.
ReplyDeleteAnd hear, hear about the sex workers. They do a much needed job.
DeleteThat's quite so EC. As an older person, and especially with medical conditions, a quiet life without drama is better.
DeleteI have never understood why people have treated sex workers, providing w needed service, with contempt.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hear you on not wanting a new relationship. I've been widowed many years and at this age, I'd end up a caregiver again in no time. No thank you. Done my share! Like you, I have a life.
Boud, not if you found a toyboy, one who could push you around in your wheelchair.
DeleteWell, now that you mention it..
DeleteLive your life the way you want to live it. It should only matter to others that you are happy.
ReplyDeleteI am mostly happy Bob. I do miss the daily chat about nothing important.
DeleteI think that you are entitled to make a life that suits you. Your decisions are affecting no one but you.
ReplyDeleteDebby, I feel I have made a new life, even though it is like my old life.
DeleteI concur with all these sentiments, many on my own personal experiences. Hugs, my dear.
ReplyDeleteThanks Darla.
DeleteYour candid reflection is deeply human and refreshingly unapologetic, rooted in honesty, care, and a sense of self that neither seeks permission nor evades complexity
ReplyDeleteNicely summed up, Roentare.
DeleteBack when I was a pretty young girl (relatively gay speaking) I got quite turned on by the attention of older men. Now that I'm an older man myself, such attention doesn't have the same appeal. Besides, most of the men my age are too busy paying attention to the pretty young girls (relatively gay speaking.)
ReplyDeleteKirk, yes, yes and yes.
DeleteYou might consider becoming a monk. I have researched monasteries in south east Australia and I think that Tarrawarra Abbey would suit you. There you could live in peace with the other monks and pay homage to The Lord. The name Brother Andrew has a nice ring to it.
ReplyDeleteA Trappist, YP! The chapel is ugly, not for me. I wonder though if a monk could give me a liturgical service?
DeleteHe might do if you asked him nicely.
DeleteI have respect for professional sex workers too, everybody needs to earn a living, but no interest at all in sex itself.
ReplyDeleteRiver, my interest in sex now is very little now. Well, I am still interested in sex, but just not doing it.
DeleteLoneliness in old age, when a long term partner suddenly dies, is heartbreaking. But the loss is not related to sex, largely.
ReplyDeleteHels, spot on. It isn't going to be the sex you miss, that more than likely hasn't happened for years anyway.
DeleteThe age of sex in this joint has long passed. We did now we don’t . Love is not just sex anyway. As for working women and men in the sexual pleasure business, there is a market for these services otherwise it wouldn’t exist. Respect and fair payment is essential
ReplyDeleteRay and I stopped having sex in the 2000s. Neither of us was really interested in having sex with old men, which we became. Taxes and prostitution are supposedly the oldest things in the world.
DeleteIt's entirely your decision what you do and how you feel about it. Always good to have a talk with someone you trust.
ReplyDeleteSex workers are necessary and always have been. They fill a void in this world, Andrew.
Margaret, I wonder how many women use such services. Less than men, but some must do so.
DeleteYour words echo my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteCool, JayCee.
DeleteBeing truthful gives us freedom to express our thoughts. I always say whatever others think it is their problem. Sex workers do a useful job....
ReplyDeleteThey do Thelma, without complications.
DeletePersonal choice. Live life your way.
ReplyDeleteJB, it seems I do things that make my life change in some ways. I guess that is living my life my way.
DeleteI imagine that a year after Ray's death would be too early to consider a new partner even if you were a lot younger?
ReplyDeleteI should have said it would feel too early, not be too early
DeleteI've considered it Kylie, but discounted it. Not because it is too soon, I just don't want to.
DeleteFabulous post which I've shared with a few old friends.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I was very hesitant about pressing the publish button, but I am glad I did.
DeleteI can't imagine dating at this age, but then I can't imagine not having someone around the house. Maybe you have found the key to both.
ReplyDeleteTP, with Phyllis and Kosov, maybe I have.
DeleteI admire your frankness and bravery in writing about these subjects! Far be it from me to judge anybody for anything. It's funny how our desires change as we age -- all perfectly natural, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteSteve, with age comes less care about what people think, which can be quite liberating if you don't take it too far.
DeleteIn my younger days, when estrogen still coursed freely through my body, I was a hound dog ( I loved sex). Now, no more estrogen, couldn't be bothered if I never had sex again. Very strange, these bodies of ours. But I do need daily hugs. I need a human touch.
ReplyDeleteAs for sex workers, I have no problem, as long as the workers are safe, protected, and treated with respect.
Pixie, yes it is the same for males of course. I think skin on skin contact is beneficial to people's health, even if it just hugs.
DeleteInteresting post, Andrew. As you probably know, prostitution is illegal over here except in Nevada. I've always felt it would make a lot more sense to legalize, regulate and tax it.
ReplyDeleteSandra sandracox.blogspot.com
Sandra, while street prostitution is illegal, generally it isn't illegal. While there are controls in place, I am not sure that they are much observed.
DeleteJust take life as it comes along, Andrew. You seem to be doing well with the guys (P & K) to keep you occupied.
ReplyDeletePat, yes, I am reasonably happy.
Delete