I had a nice weekend away. The hotel was not that posh but quite nice, and on the Geelong waterfront. Unbeknownst to me until an hour or so before I left home there was a huge car show right in front of the hotel and it was crazily busy. The waterfront area is great with many places to eat that aren't over the top expensive.
I'll put up photos in a another post later. As I drove to Geelong, the Friday afternoon traffic was hideous and it took much longer to get there than I thought. I had taken food with me, including breakfast cereal and cutlery, along with wine and soda water with which I water down my wine, but I forgot milk. I visited the nearby supermarket to buy some and bought a packet of crisps. The hotel had a happy hour, from 4 until 6, so I bought a glass of wine and along with four $3 oysters Kilpatrick. Delicious. I had eaten so many snacks, I wasn't that hungry at dinner time, so I went to the nearby Hecho en Mexico and dined outside on a single small chorizo taco. A cool breeze had arrived and I felt a bit chilly while outside. I futzed around on my tablet while half watching tv in my room that evening and I slept well, in a king size bed on my own. I'll leave the rest of the stay for another post.
But what seems to be happening is that I get upset when I am away from home without Ray. It happened last weekend when I was a away and again this weekend. I am pretty good at home, but my grief seems to bubble up when I am away from home.
Kosov seems to be staying here rent free. I don't care. He is a sweet guy and good company. I can't remember how it arose now but, "Kosov, look at my clothes in my wardrobe. Look at my unironed winter shirts I've been wearing. Look at all my beautifully ironed short sleeved summer shirts that I am now wearing, ironed by Ray". I burst into tears and he pulled me in with a comforting hug. My embarrassing emotional outburst was over quickly and I apologised. I should not have lain my grief on him.
Some of you will have experienced grief at the loss of life partner, and some of you will. Your responses and how you cope with it will be different to mine but you have to remember, none of us are the first person to go through this. It is part of life
I have no more time away on the horizon until the new year when I will stay at Sister's to look after her cats, and perhaps that is just as well.
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Someone to hug you when you really need it is important. What a nice young man he must be.
ReplyDeleteHugs. Grief sneaks up on us doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteI would imagine that with all the travelling you did with Ray during the years you were together it is inevitable that it will be those moments that hit you hard.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hug therapy required.
I thought much the same and am wiping away tears. Thank you for sharing this very human experience. Blessings and hugs, my dear.
DeleteGeelong waterfront and the hotel experience … sounds like a lovely place to visit, despite the challenges of Friday traffic and forgetting the milk!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the heaviness that comes while being away from home without Ray. Grief shows up in its own way and time, is it not?
Wishing you strength and comfort ...
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It reads like an existential crisis here. I hope you will come through this eventually
ReplyDeleteIt takes at least a year to get through all the seasons, anniversaries and holidays of grief I think. You went on holidays with Ray and now he's gone. Grief is a strange creature, sneaking up when you least expect it. I'm glad you got a hug from Kosov, I imagine it was much needed.
ReplyDeleteCompanionship , touching, sharing , loving, discussing , even arguing in a relationship are part of the fabric of being a couple .Missing all of those wonderful parts of a relationship must be so difficult at times. It’s ok to cry to be hugged and to know that good people will give you solace to help you through the tough times. You know you are loved by this community and we are with you during the tough reflective times
ReplyDeleteTraveling and being away from home is an emotional business. Understandable that Ray was your home, and that you feel very unmoored without him, especially away. How our hearts go out to you as we dread just what you were experiencing. Thank you for showing us the way on this trail that noone wants to take. Aloha friend
ReplyDeleteAs I say about grief, it never really gets better but it does get easier ... just takes a little time.
ReplyDeleteIf only grief were a thing whereby the loved one dies and you sink into the depths of sorrow before climbing up again into the light and the future. But it is not like that, it is more up and down like a zigzagged graph. It can come back to chew on you when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteLooking at the shirts Ray ironed would have been a weighty moment and a reminder that he won't iron for you again.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that makes your tears embarrassing, just normal.
I'm glad Kosov was there for you.
Hang in there
Going emo lasts for months and years, especially when you are away from the familiar sights of home and work. I misplaced my jacket in a distant place from home and burst into tears :(
ReplyDeleteEveryone experiences it differently Andrew and it takes as long as it bloody well likes. There is no timeline.
ReplyDeleteI burst into tears at inappropriate moments for my brother. I miss him so much.
Of course you miss Ray and all he brought to your travel adventures. Big hugs to you.
XO
WWW
Grief is a strange thing. People think that it is linear, and that it lessens after time. I find that it is not like that at all. I have never lost a partner, so I suppose that I'm unqualified to offer up any thoughts on the matter. Of course that has never stopped me before, sooooo.... the holidays are going to be difficult, Andrew. The 'firsts' are always rough. I hope that you take that into account and make sure not to spend them alone, if you can possibly help it.
ReplyDeleteChrist on a bike, Andrew, it's not even been twelve months. Give yourself some slack. How lovely to have Kosov around while Phyllis is back home. Emo away my friend. It only shows you're human.
ReplyDeleteYour justifiably emo, and Kosov understood that'
ReplyDeleteMaybe Kosov should do a bit of ironing?
ReplyDeleteCan totally understand why travelling, especially alone, might bring out the emo.
Your grief is understandable, it truly has ony been a few months and before that all your "aways" were shared experiences and conversations about what to see and do and what you had done and seen.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteYes, grief is different for everyone. You are doing ok, and K seems a nice person.
Well everyone in the comments have said it all. I cannot, 5 years later, still not go on holiday alone, the thought terrifies me. But you have a life whether it is looking after your sister's cats or nagging your lodger, be happy for small things.
ReplyDeleteMy husband of 45 years died this year on 31 July. Death of a loved one is the worst thing to experience and there are different feelings and reactions at different times in different situations. I wish you the strength to deal with it. Best wishes xxx
ReplyDeleteVery similar to me Christine. I should perhaps feel guilt too. Guilt because life in some ways has become easier. I make my own decisions without concern about what Ray might think. I feel a new confidence in myself that I've dealt with everything that crops up, and you will know what that is like, and I feel quite relaxed at home. But there are those moments....
DeleteThanks everyone for you comments and wise words. I am a fairly logical person, and do what I have to do, but sometimes, it all gets to be to much and I can be triggered, so to speak, and it all comes out.
ReplyDeleteI suppose its always better to let it out rather than keeping it bottled up inside.
ReplyDeleteCoping with grief is a life hack one has to innovate by oneself. Best wishes always.
No one knows how it feels, because no one has been you and lived your life. Wise words from my cousin Butch, the plumber.
ReplyDeleteNice to have your blog posts back Andrew. Of course you are going to get emotional and I'm so glad the young man gave you a hug.
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
You're right, it's life. Doesn't make it that much easier however. Or that everyone experiences loss, if we are lucky to live long enough. I guess we all develop ways to cope with it. Getting a hug is really nice way that helps, I think.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things that can sneak up and trigger emotions. I'm so glad that Kosov was there with a big hug for you, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteThe only oysters I will eat are Kilpatrick oysters. I would think that being alone away from home you would feel Ray's absence more markedly as you wish you could share your trip adventures with him.
ReplyDeleteI can understand why your grief would bubble up on trips away from home. It's always hard to be in a new or strange environment, and it's especially hard without the comfort of a familiar person. I think it's perfectly acceptable that you cried in front of Kosov. Let the people around you be a comfort -- especially if they're not paying any rent!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad Kosov was there for you.
ReplyDelete