The aftermath

Friday, I paced the apartment, closing Ray's bedroom door and then opening it. It is closed at the moment, and to be sensible it will save on the heating bill which I will have to pay on my own, among everything else. 

I know his phone PIN but not that for his banking app. It doesn't really matter but I am pleased I knew his phone PIN as a couple of condolences came to his phone. As the days have gone on the tissue usage count has lowered and my voice only quavered once today when Fire Fighting Nephew called. 

I couldn't keep just pacing around. I need to get our. I was overwhelmed with messages, emails and phone calls. We I needed a loaf of bread so the afternoon after Ray's death, I caught the tram to Prahran where I ran into one of Ray's former clients who uses a wheel chair and Ray used to transport as a volunteer driver. I told him the sad news. 

I sat in Prahran Square with my takeaway coffee where we would sit together to eat a sandwich or a sausage roll with our coffee, but I have been there alone many times, so it didn't feel so bad. Today I was back there and one staff automatically wrote down Ray's usual coffee, an extra hot skinny flat white. Sorry love. My friend has died. 

Back to Friday. I went to Baker's Delight to buy a sliced white loaf. 

"Sandwich or toast?"

What? 

Do you want it thinly sliced or thickly sliced. 

I stared at him blankly for five seconds. Ray always bought the bread. 

Sandwich please. I now have very thinly sliced bread. Apparently we normally have toast sized slices. Learning curve #1 one sorted. I bought some coleslaw in the supermarket for dinnerto go with dinner but it was undressed. I wasn't thinking clearly. I ended up have a packet of soup and very thin toast. 

Hairdresser Friend insisted on visiting on her way home from work. It was a nice visit but I was glad when she left. I'd felt cold all day, which happens to me if I am tired, and I was absolutely exhausted after so little sleep the night before. I slept pretty well but of course when I woke, what is this nightmare situation I am living in. 

Saturday, ABI Brother, Tradie Brother and his daughter Hippie Niece,  Sister, Bone Doctor and Jo visited. The latter three stayed on and took me out for dinner. Jo went to the spare room as I had told her Ray had kept the art work they had created in a drawer. We heard a sob in the bedroom and Sister nodded to me in that direction to go into Jo. We both fell on the bed holding each other and cried our eyes out for a few minutes. He was somewhat of a father figure to her when she was young.

Sunday morning I had coffee at a neighbour's place, then it was turn of Ex sis in Law and her husband, and soon after they arrived, so did Oldest Niece, her husband and their three children. 

There is much to do when your beloved dies and as the days went on I slowly tackled it all.

Monday was a visit to the funeral parlour to arrange the cremation. Sister came up by train to support me. That was very kind of her and we had brunch afterwards.

Tuesday a visit to the bank. 

Wednesday was the last post with Nephew, his wife and their kids. 

Thursday, I did minimal shopping. Thrice I was asked where Ray was. While not normally after shopping, I did drive the circuitous route home around the lake we sometimes used after brunch in Port Melbourne. More administrative matters later.  

Two weeks ago we had paid about half the money for having the apartment painted and recarpeted. The week before we had booked a Queensland holiday. Fly to Brisbane, stay a few days, train with a bed to Cairns, stay a few days and fly home. I'm delaying the former and cancelling the latter. 

Days are passing and as I type, exactly one week ago less an hour or so, Ray was in hospital and quite aware. He had so much to live for. 

Meals are difficult. It is decades since I've cooked aside from making fried rice. I am trying to address that but it is low priority, as long as I eat something. I find most frozen supermarket meals have vegetables too well cooked and the mashed potato in the meal below, too soft. It tasted ok and it was an adequate amount of food, but. I will look at the meal delivery company Hello Fresh.