Jabblog wrote about decorum, which made me think of a recent dilemma I felt about manners and formality. Instinct told me one thing, modernity told me another.
HH, is my female neighbour, and since her kindness when Ray died, and with her picking me up at hospital twice after procedures whereby I had to be escorted home, I count her as a friend. At 77, she is quite tech savvy and as I have mentioned we check in on each other by text each morning to check, as she says, we are not dead in bed.
Without being pretentions, she is very middle class and financially comfortable. Her husband is in care and no longer recognises her. In the future, I'll refer to her as HH.
My dilemma was how to introduce her to Phyllis and Kosov to HH. She is 77 and they are 21. Instinct told me I should introduce her to them as Mrs H. I wish I'd asked you all, your advice in advance but you can tell me now I made a grave error when I introduced her to Phyllis and Kosov as H, her first name, rather than Mrs H.
HH didn't seem to have a problem with being introduced to them by her first name, and as they were sitting opposite each at my birthday meal out, they had a good chat.
I can hear Ray in my ear, 'You are living in the past, you stupid old man'. But my connection with HH and with Phyllis are both important to me, and I wanted to get it right. It seemed less formal was right.
A few days later Phyllis mentioned that he had seen HH in the lift and she didn't recognise him. I found this hard to believe. Phyllis is dark skinned, fairly obviously gay and HH would have seen the lift number of the floor he arrived from. When I asked her, she said, 'How could I possibly not know him? I only met him a week or so ago, and I would remember him. This person had forgotten his keys or something.' 'Phyllis, did you talk about keys to HH?' 'Yes.'
After gathering all the information, I sent a text to HH. 'Do you want me to call your daughter for her to book you into the dementia home with BH?'
She did not reply. Sometimes I go too far, as I may have with this post.
Later clarification: It was of course meant to be humorous and I know HH well enough to know she would take it as a joke. She has made the same joke about herself at times if she forgets something. I would not make a joke like that if I thought she had any sign of dementia. She also talks to anyone in the lift and makes eye contact, as she did with Philip. I don't really regret making the joke and it still puzzles me. Philip is quite certain and has no reason to lie and it is not like HH to not remember someone, especially as he does stand out a bit.
Since then I've emailed her to ask if she wants to attend an information session being given to the residents of a nearby apartment building regarding the 'chiller plants' related to the new Anzac Station in front of their building. I swung an invitation with bring a friend, so HH is coming with me as she is interested too.
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Oops. I know I hate it when my husband points out what I have forgotten, just saying.
ReplyDeleteOuch. From my perspective your text may have gone too far - but you know her and I do not. Dementia is a big fear of mine which probably accounts for that feeling.
ReplyDeleteThe D word is a taboo in older age. That is a conversation destroyer too.
ReplyDeletePerhaps she was being polite when she met Phyllis and did not want to hurt your feelings. Alternatively I often do not always remember people I have only met once despite their age or colour or distinguishing features.
ReplyDeleteShe may not be as observant as you are and may have been distracted at the time.
She sounds like a good friend, can you make light of your remark and tell her something you have done to call into question your sometimes vagueness .
By the detail you gave her regarding how you put the clues together to make the comment she might think you are working for ASIO, theCIA or have an air fryer for sending messages to other spy agencies♥️😂
I have occasionally done something similar and often wish after the event that I had not said or done something.
ReplyDeleteNext time you see her you will more than likely find out if she has taken offence, but I hope that does not turn out to be the case.
Perhaps send her flowers???
She might have wondered what on earth you were on about after receiving your text. Possibly she was lost in her own thoughts in the lift and ‘just didn’t want to be bothered’ with small talk.
ReplyDeleteIt takes more than not recognising someone to be diagnosed with dementia.
I would hate to be introduced as Mrs K. Mrs K was my mother in law. You did the right thing there. As for the lift thing? No idea what was going on there but if she was caught up in her own thoughts she might truly have not registered who Phyllis was or, as Cathy suggested, just wanted to be left alone.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, that last text was a mistake, unless she saw it as the joke it was meant to be. Did you follow up with a "Just Kidding"? Just keep being polite when you see her and it will blow over.
ReplyDeleteI think you hit a nerve but humour is always risky so you just have to move forward.
ReplyDeleteI had an aunt I loved to death and i made some probably lame joke on the day after she died. To me, it didnt say anything bad about her or our relationship but my Dad was super unimpressed.
I think it might be a good idea to ask her to book you in as well...lol...Peta
ReplyDeleteThat text went much, much too far. I hope you were joking (to us, not to her--well, yeah, to her, too, if you're NOT joking to us,)
ReplyDeleteSome people don't remember faces or voices Andrew, but it does seem strange. The text, well seems HH didn't like it but at least she is coming with you. I guess you have asked her about the text and apologized if she was offended.
ReplyDeleteIf you are friends, it will all pass over. Seems it has already with the planned outing.
ReplyDeleteDon't think I've got dementia yet but I did walk past my granddaughter, who I see 2 or 3 times a week , without seeing her. I had to pretend it was a joke but my mind was on other things. It just happens. Forget it .
ReplyDeleteI frequently go too far in teasing others. The next time I see them I usually say something like I'm sorry if I went too far, and usually it turns out that it did not offend anyway.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you're overthinking things.
ReplyDeleteIs HH called Harriet or Heidi, Henrietta or Hillary, Helen or Holly, Hazel or Heather? I am sure that there are some other "H" names for women but I cannot think of them right now. I thought HH described the hardness of certain pencil lead.
ReplyDeleteThe latter.
DeleteHortense? Hildegarde?
DeleteHermione? Oh, you mean she's called Heather. Does she bloom in the summer?
DeleteHumor can be more difficult to communicate in writing, maybe one of the reasons we hear less and less of it.
ReplyDeleteWell, that was a rather pointed joke, but you know her well enough to know how she'd take it. Maybe Phyllis just thought she didn't recognize him, but she actually did?
ReplyDeleteI get this. When we're friends with someone it can be very easy to be so relaxed that we inadvertently test the friendship by letting slip a comment that could be misunderstood. I'm guessing that H will have soon forgotten the whole thing........not in a forgetful way but just , it really doesn't matter way........sorry this sounds muddled.......
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
Oh good, you're still friends as I thought you would be. Who knows what went on in the elevator? You just keep being you.
ReplyDeleteWhat I know about me is that while I am not an unintelligent woman, I have a tendency that when I have a great deal on my mind, my mind tends to work busily away. Sometimes I am way less aware of external things than I should be. Perhaps a kinder way to have dealt with this would be, "Phyllis saw you in the elevator and you did not seem to recognize him." Listen to her. She's a woman with a husband who has dementia. Her husband is dying a death quite different from Ray's passing, but in a way it is the same grief. Remember the difference that the kindness of others made to you. Be that kindness to her.
ReplyDeleteOf course, you may find out (by listening) that she's a racist bitch. Be that the case, you've got my permission to drop kick that relationship to the curb with the appropriate explanation.
I have a great memory for people so I am often surprised that people I have met in the building do not notice me. I went to a tea party a few months ago, invited by a woman I chat to on the bus. It was horrific! There were 5 women there, they all knew each other, and carried on like I wasn't even in the room. Nobody introduced themselves. Now I do think the hostess should have done that...Anyhoo, one of those women was getting off the elevator I was getting into, the other day, and sailed right passed me without even a hint of acknowledgement!
ReplyDeleteI did accept the tea invite as I was caught off guard. That won't happen again!
That could have happened to me, I am face blind. That's a very ugly disease as I only recognize people when I have seen them several times and still not know who they are. When I had to go with Rick to company events and people asked me how was Dario and Toby and I didn't know who the person was, it was terrible I had to pay attention what I said. I am only at the first step, but there are people who don't recognize their mother's faces, only the body and clothes !
ReplyDeleteI find that young people tend to all look a bit alike so It takes a few times to remember where I know them from. Getting older sucks.
ReplyDelete