Sorry, this a bit long.
I cook at least once a week. There were six fat chorizo sausages in the freezer. I managed to split them into three and cooked three for myself, with frozen chips from the freezer and supermarket bought potato salad and coleslaw. One sausage was left over to eat the next day. There are also normal beef sausages and I've had a meal from them and there are more. Also frozen is a bolognaise sauce Ray made. Half of it would probably do for one meal. Can I saw the frozen into half with the electric knife? I'm sure I can boil up some pasta. Is there any parmesan cheese in the freezer? I am sure there would be and I know there is some bought garlic bread.
A couple of personal observations. It is just over 2 months since suddenly Ray died. He was the most wonderful person, but he struggled with life, and I was not his idea of a perfect partner in our latter years. We still had fun and did things and seemed like a perfect couple, but I learnt to be quite guarded about the way I expressed myself. He would read things into what I said that were not there. My arthritis is much better since he has died. That could be because I now go out each day when I feel physically comfortable to do so. Except it is not so different from when we used to out together. I am also drinking less alcohol.
I've looked at professional grief counselling, but I can't see it working for me. Acupuncture and hypnotherapy never worked for me, and I have plenty of people to talk to about Ray's sudden death. Just when I thought the final condolences happened last week, the barista at where we/I bought/ coffee offered them this week. I don't know how he knew. My standard reply is, 'I have my moments but I am doing ok, thanks'. Depending on the person, I might add, 'Forty five years is a long time together'.
I am doing things now on my own that we both used to do and I do really miss Ray, tearing up. I hate how he was cheated out of his future, but I am so glad he did not know he was dying as he was unconscious. He never had the chance to worry about how I would survive, what would happen to his personal possessions. I've yet to really attack that. There is no rush.
I think all the paperwork has been done related to his death. (It's not, as per an email) I am not changing the names on any bills, or anything. I will lose his pensioner concession discount on so many things. Come October, I will be entitled to them myself anyway. (Now an email from our power company, Raymond's post code no longer matches his address. Electricity pensioner concession pricing is withdrawn)
I've decided I won't send birthday and Christmas cards anymore. Well, Ray did that, and moaned about doing so. The exception is the greats who are young. We were sending $50 in each card, but now I am a poor old widower, I no longer have the funds. Ray is looking down on me and telling me to not be such a cheap bastard and keep sending them $50. Ok hon, we will compromise as usual, $20 until they turn five, then $50.
It is a week or so since I wrote the above and things have happened. I'll leave that for another post.
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It sounds like you're figuring things out. People, partners are never perfect, and neither are we. I find it a relief when my husband is not around. I love him but he's big and takes up a lot of room, both physically and mentally. He's a control freak but doesn't think he is.
ReplyDeleteI could go on but you get my point. You loved Ray, he wasn't perfect and somethings are easier now and that's ok. My girlfriend's husband died suddenly 2 years ago, a fentanyl OD, not sure if it was accidental or on purpose and we'll never know. She finds life easier in a lot of ways now, even as she misses him and grieves her loss.
It takes time, like so many things. Sending hugs to you Andrew.
I am sure you do have your moments. And will, for some time to come. I totally understand about some things being easier. And others emphatically not.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
It sounds as if you're doing pretty well, figuring out your days and your feelings. The caution you lived with in the last few years might have exacerbated the arthritis. Just my idea, because emotional relief, even in grief, can improve your health.
ReplyDeleteSo you're going on fine to this observer from another hemisphere!
Keep talking. Keep saying how you feel. It takes a long time. Condolences are often about the offerer rather than the bereaved. I remember when my mum died, I sometimes felt it was me that was doing the counselling.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is genuine, and heart felt. It is best to express your emotions through writing. And you are doing that. I think it is the best to have a new structure in life or a new set of routine. That will help. The current adaptation to a life without Ray would be seen challenging. However, live on to the fullest as if he would love you to.
ReplyDeleteIt's a process and it sounds like you're taking good care of yourself. Some people need to talk, some don't; as long as you know what works for you, you're on the right path.
ReplyDeleteIt never really gets better, but it does get easier.
Every long term relationship has positives, negatives and compromises. So apart from the loneliness, losing your beloved brings about constant memories to deal with. Not in order... sometimes out of the blue... but significant in the overall relationship history.
ReplyDeleteDo you speak to the in-laws regularly? Does that help?
Tasker raises a point. Talk. Talk. Talk. Me? I'm kind of shit at talking, but when I write, the words seem to flow straight from my brain into my fingers and somehow, just reading things seems to make things clearer to me.
ReplyDeleteGrief is a process. Remember the old song? Can't go over it. Can't go around it. Just go through it. You will have your good days. You will have your bad days. Not all memories will be good. Just accept that all of them have a place in this process. Be gentle to yourself.
It's only been two months Andrew. I think of you often even if I haven't been commenting much of late.
ReplyDeleteIt's been said for years to write down your thoughts, you have done that, it's good therapy but I'm sure you know this Andrew. Strange about money and that pension card, money for two when alive, cut in half when one person has passed yet mostly the same expenses!
ReplyDeleteThe years you spent together is a very long time indeed and not many couples make it that long for many reason.
I do hope you don't receive any emails as I did this morning written to my departed dad of 10 years on July 11, from the financial company. Oh dear me!
Two months is just such a short time and memories and emotions will trip you up unexpectedly. Writing is good therapy, even if you don't publish it.
ReplyDeleteHave you thought about cooking all the sausages and freezing them in individual serve sizes? Ditto the bolognese sauce, cook a full batch of spaghetti and sauce, then freeze what you don't eat, then you only have to thaw and reheat. This works for several other things too.
ReplyDeleteI have been terribly lazy about getting out and walking, every kilo lost last summer is back.
Cooking for one person, if often cooking enough for 2 or 3 meals, but please keep cooking. We become so dependent on outsiders if we don't cook. When I was grieving, I found a friend to talk with, and read a couple of books on living through grief that really helped.
ReplyDeleteHere's a big Oregon tree hug, for you, not a tree.
ReplyDeleteWhen I cook I also like to cook extra like River said and then I have a meal for the next day and often freeze part for another day.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing really well Andrew after only a couple of months.
The way you have written about Ray's sudden death and the aftermath suggests to me that you have responded to the process in a very natural manner Andrew. In spite of your grief you have held yourself together very well as you embark upon a somewhat different life. I don't think you require grief counselling. You can do this on your own with the support of your family. I am so pleased to read that your alcohol consumption has decreased since Ray died as some bereaved people will try to drown their sorrows. Keep it up Andrew!
ReplyDeleteWhile your grief is beyond my comprehension I understand your complicated emotions regarding your partner. May Ray rest in peace. And please know that I believe you're doing admirably, stunningly well under the circumstances. Hugs, my dear.
ReplyDeleteYes, that's the way it is when a loved one dies. You miss them terribly, except the things that you didn't like when they were around, and it can be a bit of a relief that you don't have to deal that stuff anymore. Nothing to feel guilty about. You obviously loved him.
ReplyDeleteI was taught that grief counselling can be helpful if people get "stuck" in their grief but less than three months in, it's way too early to consider that you might be stuck. Also I think we tend to pathologise normal sadness.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting that your arthritis is improved, maybe the stress of being careful about your expression was contributing to an inflammatory response.
Cooking once a week sounds like the perfect number!
My partner is 13 years older. Your words are important. Thank you for blazing the trail. And for your fearless relatable honesty simply expressed. Aloha from the other side of the Pacific
ReplyDeleteThough I am not facing your situation yet, I comfort myself That at least there would be a sort of domestic freedom and solitude in widowhood.
DeleteThis is so honest and I respect all you say. It's helpful to others too, me included. TQ
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x