This is me undergoing my own therapy, as writing did does for my mother.
Because Hippie Niece contracted Covid, we had to cancel our booking to see Imaginator. I asked and received a prompt ticket refund. We rebooked a week and a half later and she and her two twin five year old daughters, the cafe latte twins stayed over Monday, the night before.
It is a terrible thing to dislike members of your own family but at their ages of two to three, we almost did dislike them. They have grown up. One who would hide behind her mother when any attempt at communication began is no longer like that. The other less shy one is maturing nicely. They are a little behind in their good school but help is there. Their speech should be clearer at five years old. Spoken sentences begin well but trail off at the end to be not understandable. They were having speech therapy but I am not sure that they are now. Anyway, they behaved quite well while here and were great fun at times. I am not their parent and it is not my place to mention their diets. My head was screaming, 'Stop eating all that shit rubbish'.
After a long swim in the pool and spa, showers to get rid of the chlorine, we took them all into town for an early dinner to Brunetti's. I ate little, and did not have wine (Wow, this must be serious) as I was distracted by umpteen phone calls and messages.
Mother has spent two weeks lounging around in bed in a private hospital. Umpteen diagnostic tests were performed and the her medications adjusted. The general conclusion was extreme anxiety was cause of her problems and we all agree. Unfortunately no matter what was prescribed and Mother tried, she reverted to her old and bad drugs. The doctor in charge of her care put it bluntly to her. We have done every test we can and you are physically fine and better than you should be at your age. You are suffering from extreme anxiety and you will not take the drugs we want you to and we have nothing more to offer you. I will add that she is very frail.
She had banged her head when showering, so another day or so for a brain scan to be done. She was advised to go to the rehab hospital where she had been before but she refused and wanted to go home. That did not work out so well as two days after being home what I suspect is a bedsore on her bum was troubling her.
The third day, her legs would not work to get her out of bed. ABI Brother, her carer, called an ambulance and she was taken to a nearby public hospital. At about 4pm when R, Hippie Niece and the girls were swimming around I took a call from a doctor at the hospital. Your mother is not doing well. Her blood pressure is dropping rapidly and we can't get it back up again. It might be a good idea to come and see her. Yes, it was a very loaded statement. I asked the blunt question and I did not receive a direct answer. I tried again, should we see her within hours or days? Hours was the advice I received.
Sister, Bone Doctor and Jo are on holidays in Western Australia and immediately started to make plans to return on a two am flight from Perth back home. I told them to hold off until I had seen her. After our dinner out R and I drove the forty minutes to the hospital and left the niece and hers at home here. Meanwhile I had contacted ABI Brother and Tradie Brother and Ex Sis in Law I told them to hold off until I saw her. I dealt with calls from Mother's grandchildren. It was a nightmare.
The hospital doctor had just come onto duty and was taking bloods etc and filling in a huge amount of information on a large screen. Nurses were fussing around. Mother was delirious, but still making us laugh. We had met Ex Sis in Law at the hospital and she comforted Mother as much as she could. Mother asked her to check her suitcase and make sure there was some barley sugar and beer in her case. Mother hasn't had an alcoholic drink in years.
Bone Doctor called from Busselton, WA, to seek an update. Mother's doctor kindly spoke to her in medical language. I did hear him say, 'When I walked into the room, I did not see a dying woman'. Her blood pressure had recovered but the cannula in her arm had collapsed. Her arms with covered in bruises from various skin penetrations by medical staff. It was later confirmed she had a blood infection and an anaesthetist would be needed to insert another cannula so that antibiotics could fed straight to veins.
We were home by 9.30 and the girls were already asleep with Hippie Niece dozing off in the lounge room.
The next day we went with Hippie Niece to see the light show at Cocklands Docklands and then lunch afterwards.
Ex Sis in Law in law and ABI Brother saw her the next day. ABI thought she was pretty coherent. Ex Sis in Law said she had improved over yesterday but still far from right. Sis in Law found out more information as I have partly stated above. It is a rough time for Ex Sis in Law as her life long best friend and bridesmaid at her and Tradie Brother's wedding some thirty plus years ago is in the same hospital nearing death. Her death is taking time and she pleads that she just wants to go.
After an unrelenting barrage of calls and messages from Sister holidaying in Western Australia, often via Bone Doctor, in spite of my earlier opinion that there was no need for her to rush home. Eventually in exasperation I sent a message to Bone Doctor telling Sister to come home. I did not want to be responsible for her not seeing her mother alive for the last time. I expect she is in transit now.
A report this Wednesday from Tradie Brother who visited her today sees more improvement and some early physiotherapy. Tradie Brother was assured she would not be sent home until she was properly up and mobile.
Mother has never been a fan of public hospitals and in my opinion her care in this public hospital has been superior to what she experienced in the private hospital system. Early days of course, but a big thank you to the staff of Casey Hospital whose care and patience has gone beyond expectations.
PS After the initial doctor conversation and that it might be hours rather than an extended period and I passed it on, there were wet eyes and cracking voices. Is this really the end of old and impotent but still pack leader? It seems not quite yet.
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Aaargh. I am very glad that your mother is getting the care that she needs. And hope you are too.
ReplyDeleteEC, she is very good care. Along the way I think a public hospital might have always been best for her.
DeleteOh goodness me. Not a good time for you all at the moment.
ReplyDeleteA little challenging JayCee. We just do what we can and feels right.
DeleteIt's never easy, but sometimes it could be not so hard. Keep strong.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tasker. We have no choice but to stay strong. Me being the oldest, siblings look to me for guidance.
DeleteStalker An impossible Mum, but you love her. We have one of those, 86 and if she wants to do something like drive 400 kms to play bridge, despite us offering alternatives she did drive in rain, got there safely and drove back.. We say , you are too old to drive long distance, she says I will drive carefully…we say we are more worried about others on the road. We love her.
ReplyDeleteYou love your Mum but grr! Father in law was the same , he had a fixation on his bowels . We heard about it all the time and despite Dr telling him not to take laxatives , he did , end product was either constipated or the other . Hope we remember that when we are their age and listen to the experts . Good wishes to you and your Mum
Stalker, you summed it your first sentence. Ok, 86 and driving long distances. I would not make a ruling just by age, but 86 is getting on. Lady Potter is about 93, and she drove into the Yarra River. She is probably not driving now. Yes, Mother is like your FinL, alternating between laxatives and Imodium. I am not sure I want to live much past my 80s. Thanks.
DeleteThere are many of tragic events in life, but the disintegration and loss of a parent has to be the worst. Was your father's old age happier?
ReplyDeleteHels, yes. It is not long since you went through it all.I think Dad was 63 in 2000 when he died. He had a cancer in his back, not sure exactly where. He had five years of remission before dying at home, which was just awful for my stepmother. Please anyone, don't insist to your children that you must die at home. You can't imagine what you are going to load onto them.
DeleteIt is really a "shit show" from what you are telling us in the post. I agree that a lot of kids' upbringing and lack of supervision are a common scene around us. One cannot say or show much as it is out of bounds to do so. Australian Private system is really not a private system as the private hospital still receive funding from Medicare to operate hence following the same rules as public hospital without the proper equipment and staffing. Private hospitals in my eyes are just day procedure units. Busselton WA is a place I had locumed at before. It is really a crap hole for medicine. Just a good holiday resort for rich and wealthy Perth billionaires. The junior untrained HMO are just lazy to actually know the craft of cannula, cannot bother to perform traditional history clerking and examination, eager to reduce length of stay by hopping your sister to consent to receive end of life care thus happy for everyone's KPI. There is something in Margaret River there that drive people to do crazy acts and crimes.
ReplyDeleteRoentare, so you don't really have an opinion on much, haha. I believe WA is to this day well behind with medical care compared to the eastern states and SA.
DeleteIt sounds as though the mother of the Andrew will live to fight another day... or perhaps another week... another month or more likely... another year. Good job you are not still over here in England.
ReplyDeleteYP, if the worst happened there would have been no need to cut short our holiday. Funerals here take a long time to happen after death. Plenty of time to get home. Her last words to us when we thought she was dying made no sense and the doctor said it was hysteria.
DeleteFun60: A very difficult time. I have experienced the same. Relatives gathered round the bed but little by little she recovered and lived another very happy 7 years in a home. It wasn't until Mum had had enough of life and just couldn't be bothered to eat or drink that the final goodbyes were said.
ReplyDeleteYes Marie, I remember you going through the whole process. Without any really health problems, the human body just wears out.
DeleteBest wishes to you. Aging loved ones can be a trial. But seeing young ones grow into reasonable adults is awesome.
ReplyDeleteThanks Darla. Yes, watching the younguns grow up is amazing.
DeleteYour mother cetainly keeps you all on your toes! At least they discovered the blood infection and she now has treatment for that. I get the feeling she will be around for a while yet, although still gradually declining. It's a shame she won't adopt the new medications routine offered.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are liking the twins again, ages 2-3 are quite difficult for some as they learn to exert a little independence and realise they can decide things for themselves. I hope the speech therapy continues.
River, Mother has always kept people on their toes. She is less than a year from reaching ninety. I hope she makes that.
DeleteI may have been exaggerating about the twins...maybe not. Now they have come into their beings, they are delightful young girls.
Your dear mum hanging in there may well improve with such good care. A hard time Andrew, an one never knows what day or when it will happen, the inevitable. Try and keep strong, hugs from across the sea.
ReplyDeleteMargaret, thank you. You are so sweet and I would love a real hug from you.
Delete:)
DeleteThat was a rollercoaster of a post, from comedy (your nieces) to near tragedy (your mother.)
ReplyDeleteKirk, yes, rollercoaster is a good description. Even with Mother, we can always see a funny side or some black humour.
DeleteI can't recall so many emotions and personal situations in one post before.
ReplyDeleteI'm pleased you read the post Graham. It was bit all over the place but clearly you picked up on the emotions.
DeleteYou have had a trying time, in many respects. I hope things will be calmer now and that those who need to take advice will do so.
ReplyDeleteI dunno JB. Will she able to go home? Already our aged care system has said she will receive extra care and help at home. But maybe she will have to go into a high level accommodation place. We just don't know.
DeleteI understand your worries only too well. I went through that during nearly four years, up and downs. Just when you think it gets better it gets worse or the other way around. At one point he had to go from hospital to a retirement home with medical care, he couldn't come home anymore.
ReplyDeleteYes, I know Gattina. I was with you for your whole journey with Riccardo. You travelled a very rough road.
DeleteThe rollercoaster ride of an aging parent, take care of yourself. My mother was a tough old bird, I was called in for the end several times.
ReplyDeleteTP, this is not something I've ever considered, being called in many times. That will take its toll. Will it be this time?
DeleteMy best thoughts to you and your family. The only thing that I can assure you is that when the time comes, you will recognize it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Debby. If that is the case, then she isn't there yet.
DeleteThis was sad to read, Andrew, mainly because this sounds very traumatic for you and all your large family, but you in particular. I wish life were not so tough at the end, for oneself and those who love and care about a person. I'd like to just take a pill with some nice drink and be done with it, when to a certain stage maybe.
ReplyDeleteStrayer, while it is a privilege in many ways to live to be quite old, in so many ways it isn't if you don't have a quality of life, and she doesn't.
DeleteIt's so difficult to have a very aged and unwell family member, because you just never know what to expect. Medicine can extend lifetimes, which is good, but it can also make end-of-life an incredibly lengthy process. (I'm speaking from experience in dealing with my own mom.) Of course it's doubly difficult when you live a long way away -- across an ocean in my case.
ReplyDeleteWhere did my reply go? Check spam.
DeleteTake two. Yes Steve your mother is such a long way away and you might not be there for the last moments. But I guess you know this and are prepared. You may have already mentally said your goodbyes.
DeleteI was just thinking the other day we hadn't had tidings of your mother for a while. I should be careful about having such thoughts. Hope you are doing OK.
ReplyDeleteThanks MC. She was never a matriarch as we think of the word, but she a much loved matriarch. Her legacy will be a family well connected to itself, and that is no trifling matter.
DeleteSo sad to read this and how complicated it all is with family flung far and wide. I do hope she gets well but only if she is thriving and back to her old self. You done good with all the machinations. :)
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
WWW, in her current state, life will be an ongoing misery for her. None of us, least of all her wants that. As I will then be the senior of our family when she goes, I am looked to for my thoughts, and that is a big responsibility.
DeleteI feel so bad for you. I have been through this with both of my parents. My Dad was up & down for quite a while before passing at 100. And it was during the pandemic so I couldn't see him until I got special permission in the last week. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeletePat, I don't remember your father's death, so I think you must have just kept on posting daily, and that must have hard.
DeleteMy mother rang me on Christmas Eve, unusual in itself for her to use the phone as I seem to remember she had given it up months or even years before, and told me she had decided she had had enough and would not be getting up anymore and that I need not go round to prepare Christmas lunch and she would be fine. She then stayed in bed until February and died. (We continued with her as usual and did not change our routine of looking after her). Mums can be very difficult.
ReplyDeleteRachel, I expect we can all potentially be very difficult towards the end of our lives. You did well to hear what she said and respect what she wanted. You mother did it her way, with your support.
DeleteLife’s complicated isn’t it Andrew. You’d be forgiven for thinking (quietly to yourself) “as if I haven’t got enough to think about……”. Won’t be long until the weather changes- Christmas will be here - then the New Year. As you mentioned, the medico seemingly said ‘I didn’t see a dying woman’. Perhaps your mum will toast the new year in with all her family
ReplyDeleteCathy, we hoped to get her to at least 90 in March but that is looking less likely. Thinking about my own self too with stent removal next week, six weeks after a less than great recovery from kidney surgery.
DeleteI am sorry I didn't read this sooner. I assume she is in Berwick? An excellent hospital.
ReplyDeleteThis could be the beginning of the end but it's good that they have found something to treat. I have visions of her sitting up in bed and saying "I told you I was ill!"
Yes Caro, Casey. As she was admitted she said, tomorrow I want to be moved across the road? to St John of God. That ain't happening. Were she to have a gravestone, I told you I was ill, would have undoubtedly be engraved, as per Spike Milligans.
DeletePrivate hospitals are great but if you are really crook then you can't beat public.
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