Mother had to attend an appointment at the Eye and Ear hospital at 10am so she said she and ABI Brother would stay here overnight before the early appointment. R cooked a nice barbeque meal with salad and a French bread stick for us all and especially bought Mother some tinned fruit for her desert. After dinner Mother and ABI sat at the table ensuring she took the right medications for about an hour and a half. I showed her our dosette boxes that we each prepare once a week, as I have done in the past, but she won't have a bar of them.
Mother never closes doors, not even the toilet door and she wanted the bedside lamp on all night, but for some reason I was woken at 3am by a commotion as Mother had been to the toilet and tried to go into R's bedroom with its closed door. I heard him speaking sternly to her and guiding her to her lit bedroom.
At 6am I heard R screaming out, 'just get out of my bedroom. Get out. Get out of my bedroom. Leave me alone. Get out of my bedroom'. Mother had again tried to go into R's bedroom and banged her walker into his door. Yet her way was clearly lit from the bathroom to her bedroom.
Then she barged into my bedroom. I can't find my bedroom door. Duh Ma, it is right there. You may be thinking she has dementia and gets confused, but she doesn't. She just won't focus, constantly thinking about her medical woes and drugs.
At 6am R and I were both very awake. R showered early and otherwise stayed in his bedroom, avoiding Mother and then went off very early by tram for his medical appointment. I drove Mother and Brother to the hospital in nightmare traffic. I rarely drive in inner city areas. We have trams to get about. I dropped them off and ignored Mother's request that I come with them into the hospital to find the right place. Mother, I am illegally parked now. There isn't car parking. I used Punt Road to come home, better and the same to return a couple of hours later to collect them.
R was sitting up mid afternoon watching tv when I returned with Mother and ABI Brother. As Mother tried to apologise for what happened the night before, R really gave it to her. You are not stupid woman T. You knew exactly what you are doing. You just can't do this to me. I added, and you can't barge into our bedrooms without knocking or calling out first.
Mother replied how many times whereby she had lost her sense of direction. Things became ok as Mother told the result of her eye examination and R actually laughed at something she said.
As I do, I disassociated and wished Mother would just piss off home. They did by about 3pm.
Then I got it in the neck from R. I've told you time and again we should move to a two bedroom place or turn the the third bedroom into a study and stop overnight visitors...yes dear.
I have to step up to the crease and inform family and friends that they are no longer welcome to stay here. I can only say look after yourselves and R is just getting too old to host guests. It is not that he can't, it is that he gets so stressed.
Poor R (and poor you). I am glad that there was laughter afterwards though.
ReplyDeleteEC, I was rather relieved that things calmed down, I can assure you.
DeleteThe trouble with dementia or any other condition of old age is that it isn't the same person who used to be your mother. The woman acting like a moron is a stranger.who would have been mortified, if she knew how she behaved.
ReplyDeleteThe second problem is that when our mothers die in old age, we never recover from the loss. My mother died in 2016, and I am still reliving the old relationship very fondly..
I think mothers just don't want to give up the control they once had over their children and includes barging into bedrooms without knocking first.
DeleteBut Hels, she doesn't have dementia. It is just a bit of worsening of her normal behaviour. Yes, I remember well when your mother died. She was such a high achiever.
DeleteKirk, it must indeed be partly that. The don't use the nuances and thoughts that they would with others.
DeleteWe do not impose on other people and we won’t have people impose on us even though we .have a lovely second bedroom I particularly hate other people using our second bathroom and cant stand it when they need to use the toilet for other than a tinkle and even that is stressful for me . I can understand Rs stress. I can do my own stress without having it imposed upon by others…. Call me Mrs Paranoid !
ReplyDelete..
Anon, I would call you very much like us. We are terribly set in our ways and we know how to give each other space. Visitors mean an invasion of our spaces.
DeleteMy mother and I had difficult relationship for my entire life. I looked after her in her last "muddled" four years and we screamed at each other almost daily. And guess what now, after 10 years I still miss her every day.
ReplyDeleteRachel, the older my mother lives, the less I am going to miss her. It may sound harsh but she takes so little pleasure in life with just her constant focus on medical matters, doctors, drugs and 'when I get better'. At 88 suffering old age issues, she is not going to get better. Maybe one day I may feel as you do.
DeleteAnd maybe you won't. I don't miss my mother at all.
DeleteRiver, I never missed my father beyond wishing I had found out more family history from him, but Mother knows most of his anyway.
DeleteThere are a lot of nice hotels nearby, I have even paid the bill. When my parents were still alive in Florida, I would check into a nearby hotel, I like my peace and privacy.
ReplyDeleteTP, I wish it was that simple.
DeleteMy mother died of liver failure. For the last months of her life, fluctuating ammonia levels meant that she was often not in her right mind. She hated me at times. Our relationship was always difficult, but this was so much worse. I don't think she knew why. The fact that I did know why didn't make things easier to take. It is a balance, however, your home life against caring for your mother in her last days. A hotel room with meals at your house sounds like a good decision.
ReplyDeleteDebby, that sounds like an awful situation. Into the mix, I have to think of my own relationship with R. He bears the brunt of whatever happens and takes things very personally.
DeleteOh, that's tough. Like some commenters above I usually try to get a hotel rather than stay with people, because staying over causes everyone stress. And I'm not banging into doorways with my walker!
ReplyDeleteSteve, we've learnt that and it makes visits so much easier and pleasant.
DeleteAre there any visitors R enjoys having? Your mother sounds like mine, Very selfish. At least mine would insist on staying in hotels.
ReplyDeleteCaro, yes babies. But babies come with parents. She is selfish. Always has been a spoilt only child.
DeleteHow hard is it to lose direction when the only light showing is the room you came from?? Silly mother, obviously she was awake and thought someone else should be too, maybe to make her a nice cup of tea? No, no, no, go back to bed! anyway, I think refusal to let others stay over now is a good idea. Whenever my mum came to visit it was always from a long way away, so she planned for a week each time and I was sick of her long before she left. We had far different ideas on child raising and she wasn't happy that I did things my way.
ReplyDeleteThat might be quite right about the cup of tea River. I am pleased R became very annoyed with her and she will think twice. She has another appointment in a couple of weeks and has made it in the afternoon so she won't be staying here. It is hard to say no to your mother but she has put us in this position. I think the weeks your mother visited must have been very very long.
DeleteOh dear me Andrew, comes a time when visitors can't come especially when it seems they are making a convivence of you both because you live where you live. Husband has relations that live in Melbourne who expect a car given to them, a room, food, roof over their heads when they visit Tasmania - never, don't like being made a convivence of, the know not to ask.
ReplyDeleteBeats me why your mum went in R's door and thought it was hers along with your door, dear me, not good - I would have told her off too, maybe she got a bit disorientated in the middle of the night.
Margaret, how did you make it clear to B's relatives that they were not welcome to stay? Mother's sense of direction has always been bad. For her whole life, it is not something she has ever had to worry about much.
DeleteJust told them it was inconvenient. Many times we had family (youngest son & his family) stopping so there wasn't enough room. Finally they got the message.
DeleteThat does not sound pleasant to be awakened by someone barging into your bedroom. You host family a lot and seem like such good hosts. Do your bedroom doors lock?
ReplyDeleteStrayer, it is easing off with family stays. No bedroom door locks. I thought of telling R to block his door with a chair as you see on tv.
DeleteWhat, not even sleepovers from the next generation (or indeed the next-but-one if only so many of them weren't twins!)? Maybe the time for sleepovers with erstwhile "Little" Jo has passed.
ReplyDeleteI guess the problem is that it is difficult to shut down visits from only some people without causing offence. An across-the-board pull back is easier to administer.
MC, it boils down to Sister and Mother not being welcome by R. He puts in so much work into visitors to feed them, water them and look after them. For me I would just say, You are welcome to stay but look after yourself. The bed is there, cups are in this cupboard, the rubbish and recycling bins are under the sink. Sort yourselves out for food. R just cares too much.
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