I expect no sympathy from people who have lived on their own for a long time. But, you know, it is a bit hard when you've been with someone for forty five years and suddenly they have gone.
There are the very practical things, like feeding yourself, cleaning your home on your own, shopping on your own, and spoilt as I was, having your ironing done for you. Lunching on your own is different. It all takes so much time and visiting places you used to visit together can make you feel very alone.
I know many of you will at some point lose your beloved life partner. You don't know when. It could be instantaneously, as it was for me, or it could be long and lingering.
I don't have advice about how to deal with grief. I am not sure that I have really dealt with it yet.The hardest thing is that everything you do is down to you. You have no one discuss decisions with. It is all totally up to you. The quite wonderful expression in America is 'Shooting the breeze'. Or more crudely 'Shooting the shit'. Yes, family and friends will step up to help, but there is nothing quite like talking about nonsense with your partner, along with the incidentals that happen each day. 'Ah, that shop has closed down.' 'Did you see how old Mrs Kafoops is looking'. No one but your late partner will be interested.
But what you can do NOW, hopefully long before the event, is ensure you know everything about your joint lives so far as documents go. Titles to property, where are they? Passwords, pins for devices and bank accounts, logins for various sites. There is really nothing quite like having these in printed forms. Whether you are proactive and do so yourself or your partner does it, no matter.
Harsh reality is around the corner one day. Sort it.
I'll try to post something more cheerful tomorrow.
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This post is a public service. Yes, those steps make it much easier later.
ReplyDeleteThey will Boud, I know.
DeleteStrangely enough, those very thoughts were going through my head as I lay awake in the early hours yesterday. I actually sat down this morning at my laptop to create a spreadsheet of all our account details and passwords. Printed off so that P wouldn't have to try to access it online.
ReplyDeleteI suppose this was prompted by a recent spell of "unwellness " on my part so I thought, best be prepared.
I have always assumed that I would be the first to go.
Grief is something I have experienced so perhaps can anticipate.
The financial burden though, may be a problem.
JayCee, I assumed the same and while I thought I had prepared things well, I had not done enough. For mine, grief for parents and relatives are easier to get over and move on. Grief for the loss of a partner is so much harder. I found it less emotional that the year before when my mother died, but the person you live with every day, strings out to every day after they have died. You'll be fine financially, as you move into a nice care facility.
DeleteI thought of the same sort of things this morning. I need all my husband's passwords and pins.
ReplyDeleteYou do Pixie, and he needs yours.
DeleteGood advice and hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sandra.
DeleteThanks for the advice, I shall write down pins and passwords and make sure "no-one" gets them.
ReplyDeleteRiver, it was remiss of me to not think about people on their own and who will deal with what is left. You have a trusted daughter, so your affairs will be dealt with well.
DeleteIt's harsh but it's true. You gotta be prepared.
ReplyDeleteSteve, I guess my partner might die before me, as he was a bit older, but I was totally unprepared. He had done a couple of great things, in particular, writing a personal letter to me.
DeleteIt's definitely more of a struggle on your own, but you're managing well. In particular I find making decisions about household maintenance is difficult without input from another, sharing takes the pressure off. I bought a small filing cabinet so my documents have a placè, I can find them easily.
ReplyDeleteExactly right Aussiebel. These were always joint decisions, and well thrashed out.
DeleteBeing of the same persuasion as you but different gender and married since we were “allowed” we have always shared everything. Joint bank accounts personal bank accounts etc etc. . Everything for ease of departure even super.
ReplyDeleteIt is the love, the like minds the Mrs Kapoops moments those precious times when there is just the two of us , together forever, can’t live without, the love of our dogs, that will go forever ..You have been brave Andrew, you have formed a new routine which while you enjoy, I understand what those that love the hardest and forever will always mourn ♥️
Yes, it is probably easier if you have shared accounts but we never did, aside from our home. Some bills and accounts were in his name, some in mine. The car was in his name, even though I paid the bulk of the money for it. That made sorting things out a bit more work.
DeleteBeing single also has its difficulties. If you don’t have a partner and/or kids, who do you give the information to? If something happens to you, who makes the decisions based on your wishes? People often don’t want to have this discussion with family. They certainly don’t want to have it with friends. Bunyip
ReplyDeleteHmm Bunyip. I see what you mean in your case. I am too old to be of any use. Who will switch your life support machine off? Who will distribute your wealth and who do you leave it to? You are in a difficult position. I can only think use a company like State Trustees, with your wishes clearly stated out, and appoint the company as you executor. Power of attorney, and medical attorney might be appropriate too.
DeleteGood advice, Andrew. Sending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda. I am sure you have someone to sort out your affairs.
DeletePeople think it's macabre to plan for what happens when your spouse/partner/other passes away but it really makes good sense to be prepared!
ReplyDeleteWise words Bob, but I didn't think there was any urgency. Quite stupid of me, really.
DeleteThis is very wise, practical advice. I am sure that many partners have died - taking important knowledge to their graves and leaving confusion or frustration over simple things in their wake.
ReplyDeleteYes YP. Make it easy for Mrs YP.
DeleteEveryone passes through this phase, Andrew, one day or the other. It might be in different forms, but the reality is the same. Acceptance helps us deal with realities. One has accept that our beloved will leave us some day.
ReplyDeleteYes, very true. It is always better that passwords, PINs, and other similarly important matter of mutual interest are, if not shared, kept documented in a place that will be accessible to the partner.
Similarly, it also advisable to make a will so that there is some clarity regarding transfer of movable and non-movable personal assets.
Pradeep, the will is the most important. Make your intentions clear and if someone who expects to inherit will not, then make it clear with appropriate wording why they won't.
DeleteWrote a new will just this week.
ReplyDeleteFun60, I expect the timing is exactly right, with you being a sole owner of what you have.
DeleteWriting a will is critical, even for people who don't have truck loads of money. To prevent any fights in the lawyer's office, ensure that your words are crystal clear and that every child and sibling is treated equally.
ReplyDeleteI am also leaving a bequest to my late son's school to honour his name. Most people have a favourite organisation or charity they want to donate to.
Hels, it is critical, but I can't agree with leaving all of your children the same amount. Many people have impossible or irresponsible children, or they are estranged from them. The reasons for excluding them from an inheritance needs to be spelt out in your will.
DeleteI don't know how many children you have, but I know you have one less than you had, and you will still be grieving for his loss. I never forget this about you.
If you have an irresponsible child then you leave their share in trust form. Don't exclude them or any child as they can make claims on your Will. It's an added expense for the estate and a legal headache for the beneficiaries.
DeleteAussiebel, that is wise if they are just not able to handle the money, but when you firmly do not want to leave them anything, the reasons why need to be clearly spelt out in the will.
DeleteFabulous advice there Andrew.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what it would be like 'to be alone'. I've heard it said that you can be alone in a crowded room, I've never felt that.
Blogger problem Margaret, and I can't reply directly to your comment. If you go suddenly first, you are the lucky one. My life felt like being alone in a crowded room, even with a partner. I don't blame anyone, I expect it is me.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine unexpectedly had to step up for someone she knew who became very ill, very quickly.
ReplyDeleteThe sick guy lived and made almost a full recovery but not before my friend had to euthanise his elderly pet, pay his bills, create a care team by tracking his Facebook to figure out who was close and go to court to appoint guardians.
She is now a huge advocate for every adult not only having a will but a power of attorney and enduring guardian.
Nobody knows what is around the corner.
As for living alone, i have never done it but I do know the isolation of having nobody to natter to about everything and nothing.
Only be cheerful if you feel it!
Kylie, it is quite important and perhaps not everyone thinks about it, but over a certain age...
DeleteI don't want to leave him behind, and I don't want to be left behind, but someday it will happen. Prepare, and there will still be chaos. I never could get my late father's electric company to talk to me, the login and password died with him.
ReplyDeleteTP, yes, that's the sort of thing that happens so often, and although there will always be something that hasn't been thought about, most of can be sorted in advance.
DeleteIt is hard to accept the reality of the situation but being prepared makes it so much easier for everyone, Andrew.
ReplyDeletePat, I am just thinking back to my situation, and I think the more complicated the process is afterwards, the more grief is delayed.
DeleteVery good advice. We have everything in a lockbox. My son knows where to find it.
ReplyDeleteExcellent Debby, and I hope your son knows how to unlock the box.
ReplyDelete