I enjoyed my visit to Sydney, but of course I was pleased to get home. Sydney is quite some city and it should be all tourists' prime destination. Many Sydney visitors won't be used to using public transport, but it is truly the best way to get around the city. I didn't need a cab or an Uber once. As a card carrying Senior, the daily cap of $2.50 to use trains, trams, buses and ferries is a bargain. For full fare payers, the daily cap is $20 Monday to Thursday and $10, Friday to Sunday (AI generated, check yourself).
But, was it a good idea to visit a city I know so well, stay in the same place and do much the same as what Ray and I used to do? I don't really think it was. Cathy picked up on something I must have said, and yes, since I returned, I've felt somewhat fragile and emotional. At times I feel overwhelmed with sadness, but it is brief and I just get on with my life. Forty five years is a long time to spend with someone, and then they are suddenly no longer there. In a way, it was like a reason for being was taken away. I suddenly had no obligations or responsibilities beyond my own needs.
Here is some advice for helping people who are grieving. Yes, by all means be there for them in the immediate period afterwards, but 3 months later, 6 months later, 1 year later, 2 years later, ask them how they are doing with a direct reference to whoever has died. I would have liked that, but no one has done so with me.
Some of you have been through this already, and could add to what I've written, and some of you will go through this. You will have a lot of administration to do, and just get on with it. Getting angry with idiotic bureaucratic processes passes the time. Socialise as best you can. But most of all let your eyes water. It your party and you can cry if you want to. Crying and deep sobbing is nature's way of dealing with grief.
When you post nearly daily, you select a time to post, and my blog posts are normally scheduled at 5.00am EAST, a time I judged to suit the early rising late Sue.
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Wise words, Andrew!
ReplyDeleteHugs, my dear.
ReplyDeleteYou have been so honest and open about your experience of loss that it gives hope that those of us yet to go through that can manage as well as you have. I admire your fortitude.
ReplyDeleteI've had to deal with a lot of grief over the years and I found grief therapy really helpful and healing. Just talking to a kind stranger about the losses. What he said was very important to me when I was overwhelmed. He said that each grief triggers the losses of all that has gone before. How true that was for me.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I'll cry inappropriately and out of the blue about someone long passed that I loved. And sometimes the missing is so intense I can hardly breathe.
Measure the grief in how much we loved. With you, Andrew. And it's the small little memories that cut the deepest.
XO
WWW
Following your advice, how ARE you doing since Ray died? On the outside you appear to be doing well, a little travelling, a little house&cat sitting, learning to live with two boisterous young men too. But in the middle of the night or early morning, do you still miss the sounds of Ray doing things? Do you sit in the chair that was "his"? I know you still cry.
ReplyDeleteGood advice Andrew to all of us. Thank you. So how are you doing?
ReplyDeleteI miss Sue's on my blog. She was probably the main person, sometimes the only person, who left a comment and also communicated at times by email. She was full of encouragement, always. Anyhow, yeah ok, I think I'd like the beach you visited more than Bondi, after watching too many Bondi life guard videos and seeing how terribly crowded it usually is, and very rough ocean there too.
ReplyDeleteWell said, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteGood advice Andrew. I'm not sure going somewhere different to make new memories would have helped this year. Maybe something to consider in the future. I am full of admiration for all the things you have changed since losing Ray. Who would have thought you would be sharing your home with two young men plus a cat.
ReplyDeleteI’ve just noticed you have a link to ‘The Day Your Dream Died’…..it’s a longer time since that day than I realised. Almost nineteen months - 1yr 7mths. Big ((((hugs)))) which won’t make the hurt go away but are just telling you someone cares.
ReplyDeleteThat's so true about timing. After three months people think you should be doing fine, and they don't ask. But that's exactly when they need a bit of attention. Good reminder. And it takes a long time, however well you handle it.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Andrew, we do forget grief is ongoing. One day you might feel well and the next you feel immense sadness. I hope your house mates and your kitten bring you some company and some laughs, but of course nothing will replace Ray. Virtual hugs.
ReplyDeleteI think the most powerfully inmpactful words were '3 months later, 6 months later, 1 year later..." a good reminder. Everyone seems to act as if you should be 'over it'. Not at all true.
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