Just writing

It is over three weeks since Ray died. I seem to be doing ok. There seems to be plenty to occupy me, with dealing with matters related to his death, looking after myself, working out food for myself and general life matters.

Ray used to iron my collared shirts, which are the only shirts I wear. I am working out the best way to wash them and not iron them and still be presentable. Ray used to change his clothing often and now there is so little to wash now. 

I am using the dishwasher every third day instead of daily. Heating up bought meals does not produce much in the way of dishes. Even this third day, the dishwasher is hardly full but I am getting short on glasses. I cleaned the burnt on fat from the gas hotplate rings a few days ago, which left Steelo soap blocking jets. I turned on all burners on and the range hood fan to clear them. A glob of oil fat from the exhaust dropped down onto the hotplate, so the filters went into the dishwasher today to make up a load. 

Friends, and I am not sure that is the right word as while we have a long history, we've only seen them about twice a year since our friend David died in 2017, invited me for a home cooked lunch, which I did this Friday as I write. It was nice and they live in a stunning apartment on the beach front in Port Melbourne. overlooking the sea and Station Pier. I left home at 11.00, stopped off at shops in Port Melbourne, looked in the Reject Shop for some kind of container to send some of Ray's ashes to his sister in England. I am not paying for some posh urn. I found nothing but I did get a thought. Use a click lock food container from home and firmly tape it up with a freezer bag inside containing some of his ashes. I bought one of those multi size screw lid jar openers at the shop. I no longer have a strong man at home to open stubborn jars.

I bought a bottle of chilled Sav Blanc to take for lunch. 

We just talked and talked over lunch, continuing on after his partner had to leave for work. His first partner died from hepatitis related liver failure at the age of 69, M being ten years younger than him. He really struggled after his life partner died.   

Sometimes Ray would say I am like my mother, an only child, spoilt and she was probably spoilt for much of her life. She could get sympathy and help from anyone at any time. I never quite realised how much Ray spoilt me. However, I did say to him at times how I recognised what he did for me. I became extra spoilt when he retired and I was still working. He started to clean my ensuite and iron my shirts. But he didn't stop doing those things when I retired. When I was working, he cooked and I would do the dishes, that is load the dishwasher but and clean up mess, along with sorting out left overs, generally for my consumption. Once I retired for some reason Ray took over cleaning up the kitchen after cooking the meal. Cooking is one thing, but I can iron and I will push myself to do so. 

Anyway, it is all down to me now. The furniture hasn't been dusted for four weeks but I am not noticing any dust. Through our Mr Fixer in our building, I have cleaners coming on Monday to clean my ensuite and clean the balcony windows and balcony railing glass. They are cheap, Mr Fixer assured me. If that works out, I might have them come once a fortnight to clean my ensuite and once every four months to clean the balcony glass. Ray tried to clean the balcony glass, and only got as far as doing two panels of glass. He just couldn't do it anymore and while I was once the balcony glass cleaner, because of my arthritis, I can't do it.

I am spending money as normal and I know I will have an adequate amount to sustain me with my inheritance from my mother and now Ray but I am paying for everything on my own now. It costs so much to live in the building we live. Mind, I think we get value for what we pay. I paid the quarterly council rates, around $300. I sent some of Ray's clothes, two collared shirts, two polo shirts, two at home track suit pants and one pair of jeans to his English sister, who will cut up the fabric to make teddy bears. I almost fainted when Post Office staff said the standard postage price would be AU$87 plus $4 for the box. His clothes are in flight as of 12.15pm today.

While I've pretty well always be in a relationship from a young age, I am also kind of loner. I am quite happy to do things on my own, and I did many things on my own when Ray was still alive. 

Three times this week I've had to answer to shop people, where is your friend or where is Ray. We had a small Tatts prize to collect, $12. I did so and the woman said that Ray's card. You are not Ray. I told her every Thursday he would put the Lot gambling. It cost me $17 a fortnight. We had the same numbers from a very early years, so while the choice numbers increased from 40 to 45, our original numbers are only up to 40. We've had a couple of decent wins but we would be a long way behind financially. Most weeks, we get a small prize, less than it costs for the tickets, but it is always exciting to get something back. The Lot woman seemed unsure. I showed her a photo of Ray on my phone and she said, "Oh no. He was here last week". No hon, he was last here on April the 24th when we shopped a day earlier than our normal Thursday because of the public holiday, Anzac Day on the 25th. My voice cracked when telling her and my eyes welled with tears. As everyone is, she was so kind. 

Otherwise no tears, until this Saturday night when for some reason I cracked and said out loud, Why the fuck did you leave me. More tears as I write but don't worry. I am doing ok.

Life feels a little surreal at the moment. I feel a little like an actor on stage. But I am living a good life, with an adequate income and secure housing. So much more than many have.   

I am sure this needs a good edit, but I can't be bothered. 

I kept a ledger of the home expenses kitty and Ray kept a ledger for our shopping kitty. It is pointless now. 

Later edit: The Lot prize was $12. There is a presentable youngish man who is often sitting on the footpath outside the supermarket with an upturned cap in front of him for people to make a donation to him. He is unobtrusive and never asks anyone for money. Two Christmases ago I was going to give him a donation but he had disappeared, not returning until very recently. I gave him him the $12 prize.